With the advent of a new year, I think most people are drawn to self-reflection. The last month approaching and passing the New Year, that’s shown up for me in reflection on continuation and cessation. I am wondering what to keep, and what to put away.
For instance, I have decided to continue working on my textiles project in which I take loose fabrics and use them to construct props and sets. I love textiles, perhaps this is endemic considering I grew up in a place where textiles have been mass-produced. It could also be that as a little girl, I loved dressing up and hoped one day to be a fashion designer. I still have no idea how to work my sewing machine and my hand stitching looks like a child’s, but I can work a camera and I can buy raw cuts of fabric to play with.
I’ve also decided to continue pursuing a creative career. I’m sending out graduate applications to film schools and I’m working with the biggest client I’ve ever had. 2020 and 2021 were hard for me, creatively. I nearly sold my cameras and gave up. It’s hard to feel any use in photographing people when a pandemic is isolating us all from one another (for good reason). Luckily I decided it was time to try my hand at something new: video. I realized that all along this way the way I had been headed. It was like being hit by a train that you don't hear coming down the tracks until it is too late. The train hasn’t ever stopped speeding towards me. I only just now recognized the horn.
This textiles project has become a way for me to stay in practice, to keep my mind sharp when work is slow (or, to be honest, nonexistent). I’ve been creating small videos on each shoot too, to stay sharp and experiment in that medium. But I’m not expecting anything out of it, this is a project where I’ve promised myself that I don’t need to create a huge end goal. If there is a goal, it’s simply to work at it because I enjoy it, and once I’m no longer enjoying it, I’ll stop.
As for things I’ve decided to cease? There are many. Most importantly, I’ve decided to cease guilting myself for not working as much as I think I should be. As someone with bipolar disorder, my “shoulds“ can often be unreasonable. Generally, especially in a state of hypo-mania, I can get done twice as much in half the time with a reckless attitude towards my own well-being. It’s for my survival that I am training myself to stop listening to shoulds and start thinking about what I can do. Easier said than done, right? There’s an entire litany of self-help websites, articles, and books all speaking to the same thing. What I’m trying to do is listen to my needs though. When I go on runs and part of me starts to hurt, I slow down. I’m slowly translating this into the rest of my life, without waiting until I hurt.
I’ve also decided to be wiser with my expectations. I think it’s natural to expect things, and in some cases it’s good. I don’t put my hand on the stove because I expect it to burn. However, I can be unfair in my expectations, at least the ones I put on other people. If I expect my partner to hurt me, how do I give them a chance to love me? If I expect my friends to always have time for me, how is that giving them a chance to be themselves, the selves that I love so much? If I expect my family to let me down, how can I forgive them? I’m learning, sometimes the hard way, that’s it’s best to cease expectation and live grateful that I can experience surprise or disappointment at all. I like to be kept on my toes. I don’t always want the answer.
I’m excited to see what this year brings, to me and to you.